The Caregiver is like the best parent you can imagine. They love and care for their child so much that they would do anything to help them grow and be happy. When the child is a baby, the Caregiver does everything for them. As the child gets older, the Caregiver teaches them how to do things on their own and understand the world, so they can take care of themselves one day.
Goal: Help others; make a difference through love and sacrifice
Fear: Selfishness, ingratitude
Response to Dragon/Problem: Take care of it or those it harms
Task: Give without maiming self or others
Gift: Compassion, generosity
This idea of the Caregiver also applies to other people who help others, like teachers, therapists, nurses, bosses training new workers, and mentors. At first, the Caregiver does everything for the person they are helping. But as that person learns and gets better, the Caregiver steps back, and eventually, the person can do things on their own.
If someone has both the Caregiver and Warrior qualities, they can set good rules and limits for others, like for a child or in a group. These rules help everyone know what to do and feel safe. But the main job of the Caregiver is to care for people and help them grow, not just to set rules.
Caregivers make people feel like they are part of a group and that they matter. They help people get along and care for each other. They make places where people feel safe and comfortable.
The Tree of Life
The Tree of Life is a symbol for the Caregiver. It shows that there is enough for everyone, like how a tree gives fruit or shade. Another old symbol is a goddess with many breasts, which also means there is plenty for all, so we don’t have to worry.
In some Jewish writings, the Tree of Life stands for spiritual food, like wisdom, not just physical food. This is similar to the Tree of Knowledge in the Bible’s Garden of Eden story, where Adam and Eve choose to learn about good and evil. It’s also like the tree where Buddha found enlightenment. Later, the cross where Jesus died is seen as a Tree of Life, showing how Caregivers sometimes sacrifice themselves for others.
The story of the Caregiver is about how giving to others can change us. First, it’s about feeling loved and cared for. Then, it’s about learning to care for others, not just taking but also giving back.
The goddess with many breasts shows giving that is easy and happy, with plenty for everyone. The cross shows giving that is hard and painful, but it can also help both the giver and the receiver grow in new ways.
The Caregiver is the best of the archetypes that help us grow our sense of self. It also helps us move from thinking about ourselves to thinking about deeper, spiritual things. At its best, Caregivers know themselves but care more about others than themselves. They care because it’s the best way to show their values, even more than wanting to stay safe.
The Caregiver is all about being generous. When we have this quality, it can make life better for everyone. Some famous examples are Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Florence Nightingale, and Mother Teresa, who all helped others a lot, sometimes even giving up their lives. It also includes great parents.
The Caregiver is often thought of as a mother, but fathers can be great Caregivers too. It’s about both caring and helping others grow, whether you’re a man or a woman. If men don’t learn to be Caregivers, they might always look for women to take care of them, and they might even start to dislike women because of it. Similarly, women who don’t develop their strong side might dislike the men they rely on.
The Negative Caregiver
Only the idea of the perfect Caregiver can give perfect love, but in real life, no one is perfect. Sometimes, people become Caregivers, like parents, before they are ready. They might not have figured out who they are yet, and they just do what their parents or friends think is right. This can make it hard for them to take care of others without hurting themselves.
Young mothers might not know how to set limits or who they are yet. They might expect their children to take care of them instead, which can make it hard for the kids to grow up knowing themselves. Sometimes, these mothers might even be mean to their children because they don’t know how to be good Caregivers.
Some people, especially women, might care so much for others that they forget about themselves. They can’t say no and always help, even if no one asked. Actually, many people, men and women, take care of others because they feel like they need care themselves but don’t know how to ask for it.
Young fathers might feel stuck just being the one who makes money for the family. They might want to be more caring but don’t know how, especially if their own fathers weren’t like that. They might wish they could be more adventurous but feel trapped in a job they don’t like. Some men might pull away from their families or act like they are in charge and expect everyone to serve them, or even be mean.
Some people who work and are also parents might learn to be Caregivers at home and strong at work. This can make them well-rounded, with both kindness and strength. But sometimes, people just go through the motions without really growing inside.
It’s hard to be a good Caregiver if you have too many unresolved problems from your past. Also, if you stay in the Caregiver role for too long without balance, it can become unhealthy.
Besides starting to be a Caregiver before you’re ready, there’s also a bad side to the Caregiver. Sometimes, Caregivers can be too controlling, like they want to keep the person they’re caring for too close, almost like they’re part of them.
When someone is very caring, it can sometimes feel like they’re taking over, and that can be scary. People might worry about losing themselves in the relationship. If the Caregiver is doing this because they feel lonely or need connection, they might end up hurting the person they’re trying to help. It’s like they’re trying to fill their own emptiness by controlling the other person. And often, these Caregivers feel like they’re being used up by the role too.
Both men and women might try to feel complete by living through others. For example, mothers who give up everything for their family might push their kids or husband to do things they wish they could do. Fathers might do the same, wanting their kids to achieve what they couldn’t or to follow their rules without question.
People often look to their partners to make them feel better emotionally. Women might want to be very close, sharing everything, like they were with their mothers. They might also want the man to take care of them like a father, maybe by providing money or protection. If he doesn’t, she might get upset, and he might try to comfort her.
Men who need women to fix their emotional problems might be scared of getting too close. They want to be free but also want the woman to always be there for them. They might want physical closeness but get upset if the woman isn’t available when they want. Some men might even try to control their wives, not letting them work or go out with friends, and they might do the same with their daughters.
Another bad kind of Caregiver is the Suffering Martyr. This is someone who always gives to others but feels like they don’t get enough in return. They might not know how to accept help, maybe because they think it’s better to give than to receive, or they’re afraid of owing something. They might also feel bad about themselves or not know how to say no.
Suffering Martyrs might make others feel guilty to get what they want. This can trap everyone in a situation where they’re trying to make each other happy but no one is really satisfied.
Suffering Martyrs might believe they shouldn’t stand up for themselves because of what society says.
To fix this, Suffering Martyrs need to learn to be stronger and ask for what they need directly. The people around them need to stop feeling guilty and learn to set their own limits.
Men and women both might try to control others until they learn to take care of themselves. But if they didn’t get enough care when they were young, or got too much, they might not know how to care properly.
Learning to Guide and Nurture Ourselves and Others
We all have a part of us that is like a child, and it stays with us forever. If we don’t learn to take care of that inner child ourselves, we’ll always need others to do it for us. Our inner Caregiver pays attention to when we feel hurt or ignored and loves us no matter what. It might tell us to do something nice for ourselves, like take a warm bath or read a book, and also help us learn how to deal with tough situations better.
The way we take care of ourselves often comes from how our parents took care of us. If they gave us food when we were sad, we might want cookies or something similar when we’re upset. If they hugged us, we might want to be close to someone. If they only comforted us but didn’t teach us, we might just want comfort without learning. If they only taught us but didn’t comfort us, we might be good at learning but not at making ourselves feel better.
If our parents didn’t take care of us well, we might look to TV or movies to see what good parents are like. But those are often perfect, which can make us think we have to be perfect too. Also, ads show Caregivers, which might make us want to buy things to feel cared for. But buying stuff doesn’t fix the real problem. When we want food, things, or money, we should try to figure out what we really need and how to take care of ourselves or get help.
If you don’t know how to take care of yourself, look for people who are good at it and try to be like them. This can help you learn to care for yourself. Good Caregivers don’t just make you feel better; they also help you learn and grow. Your inner Caregiver can learn to see what you need and help you get better at things.
For example, if you lose your job and feel bad, your inner Caregiver might say, “It’s okay. Take a hot bath and relax.” If your inner Warrior is good, it might say, “Don’t tell people who will make you feel worse. Wait until you’re ready, and think about who you can talk to safely.” But if your inner Warrior is not good, it might blame you and say things like, “I told you so,” making you feel even worse.
If your inner Caregiver is strong, it might tell the Warrior, “Calm down. It’s not their fault. They just need to learn how to handle a boss like that. Tomorrow, when they feel better, we can think about how to do that.” So, the Caregiver helps us by making us feel better and also by helping us learn from what happened.
If the Caregiver only makes you feel better but doesn’t help you learn, it might be “enabling.” This means helping in a way that lets bad habits continue. For example, if someone has a drinking problem, and their partner always cleans up after them, the person might not see they need to change.
Parents who only comfort their kids but don’t teach them how to avoid mistakes aren’t helping them grow. But it’s better if the Caregiver does this teaching with love and support, not like the Warrior who might be too harsh.
Levels of the Caregiver
Shadow: Suffering martyr; devouring mother or father; "guilt-tripping" or guilt-ridden behavior; enabling behaviors (which aid and abet other people's addiction, irresponsibility, or narcissism)
Call: Responsibilities that require care of others (like parenting, for example), recognition of another's neediness or dependence (or your own)
Level One: Conflict between your own needs and those of others; tendency to sacrifice your own needs to what others need or want from you; rescuing
Level Two: Learning to care for yourself so that caring for others is enriching not maiming; learning "tough love"; empowering—not doing for—others
Level Three: Generativity; willingness to care and be responsible for people (and perhaps also for animals and the earth) beyond your own immediate family and friends; community building
Sometimes, our inner Caregiver doesn’t do this well. It might let the Warrior take over and blame someone, or just comfort without helping us learn. But the Caregiver should care for us in different ways depending on what we need. Like, if we feel like a baby, we just need comfort. If we feel like an eight-year-old, we need someone to listen and help us understand our feelings. If we feel like a twelve-year-old, we need ideas on what to do next without judgment. If we feel like a sixteen-year-old, we need to know that we can handle things.
When we take care of others, it can make our inner child feel better, especially the part that feels alone and unsafe. By making others feel safe, we start to believe that safe places are real. But if we only care for others and not ourselves, that part of us might think, “Safe places are for others, not for me.”
Eventually, the people we care for will grow up and leave. They might thank us or they might say it’s our fault. If they blame us, it’s normal for young people to focus on the bad things to help them leave. When this happens, we remember how we left our own parents or mentors, but now we’re on the other side.
Going through this helps us understand both sides and can make us feel better. It shows us that when we left our parents or mentors, it wasn’t because they were bad, but because we were ready to be on our own.
Varieties of Caregiving
Caregiving is more than just being kind and giving advice. It includes a lot of work that people don’t always notice, like cleaning, washing clothes, fixing things around the house, and making sure the family has friends and connections.
In workplaces, caregiving means taking care of the building, providing food and childcare, making sure employees are healthy and happy, and caring about their lives, not just their work.
For the whole country, caregiving means fixing buildings, parks, and bridges, keeping good relationships between different groups, teaching kids, and taking care of babies, sick people, old people, and those who have less. It’s about making sure no one is left behind.
In homes, workplaces, and the country, the work of Caregivers is often not appreciated enough. People who do this work might not get paid much, and others might not notice what they do. Some Caregivers do jobs that seem small, like cleaning or paperwork, but they also help make people feel good. Even if others think they’re just helpers, their work is very important. Without them, things wouldn’t work.
Caregivers are also the people who make rules that we might not like but need, and they see when things like roads and bridges need fixing. They tell us we have to take care of what we have before starting new things.
Caregiving starts with taking care of basic needs like food and shelter. Then it includes caring for emotions, learning, how people get along, and how we treat animals, plants, and the planet. In our society, this work isn’t always appreciated, so it might not get done, and the people who do it might not get thanked or paid enough for what they do.
Caregiving is often humble and not noticed, but it has its own rewards, like feeling good about doing what’s needed, even if no one sees it. There’s something special about being kind and giving, even if you don’t get anything back.
Widening Spirals
Caregivers might start by taking care of just their own family or things they’re working on, and they also learn to care for themselves. As they grow, they might help out in their community, but not do everything. The best families and groups have everyone helping a little so no one has to do it all. There’s always more to care for in the world, so it takes everyone doing their part.
But there’s more to it than that. Even though we mostly help where we live and work, we should also care about our whole community and help those who need it most. This caring can grow to include our country and even the whole world.
The best Caregivers think about what’s good for everyone and the planet, while still helping out where they are every day.
We should never forget to care for ourselves while helping others. Caregiving starts with us, then moves to our family, our community, our country, and the world, like growing circles.
The Caregiver and Identity
Different parts of us help us figure out who we are. One part helps us know what we want. Another part shapes us through tough times. Another part sets goals and fights for them to make us who we want to be. The Caregiver makes us better by choosing what to care about. We can’t take care of everything, so we pick what matters most.
Life is about making choices. There’s no end to what needs care—inside us, from our loved ones, or from the world. We’re not superheroes who can do it all, so we have to decide.
At first, we might just help whoever asks the loudest until we’re too tired. Then, we might stop helping others to take care of ourselves. Later, we learn to help in a balanced way, giving what we can without overdoing it.
The big lesson of the Caregiver is to give what we can fully, but also to know our limits and what’s most important to us. Learning to say no, even to good things, helps us focus on what really matters deep down.
The best Caregivers are willing to give a lot, even their lives, for others. Not everyone has to do that, but we all have something special to give the world, even if it’s hard.
Exercises
Think about how the Caregiver shows up in your life.
- How much or how little is the Caregiver expressed in your life? Has it been expressed more in the past or present? Do you see it emerging more in your future? Is it expressed more at work, at home, with friends, in dreams or fantasies?
- Who are some friends, relatives, co-workers, and others who seem influenced by the archetype of the Caregiver?
- Is there anything you wish were different about the expression of the Caregiver in your life?
- Since each archetype expresses itself in many different ways, take some time to describe or otherwise portray (e.g., draw, make a collage, use a picture of yourself in a particular costume or pose) the Caregiver as it is expressed or could be expressed in your life. What does or would it look like? How does or would it act? In what setting does or would it feel most at home?
Daydreams
Imagine you had all the time, money, and wisdom to share. You don’t have to work, so you go around the world helping anyone who needs it. Picture the people you meet, how you help them, and how thankful they are.
Then, think about setting limits too. Imagine saying no if helping would wear you out too much or if you’d be doing something others should do for themselves. Picture them doing well because you didn’t step in. Finally, imagine being kind to yourself too, treating yourself as nicely as you treat others.
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