Like the Innocent, the Orphan goes through tough times, but they handle it differently. The Innocent tries harder to be good and loved. The Orphan, though, feels these hard times prove we’re all alone.
Goal: Regain safety
Fear: Exploitation, victimization
Response to Dragon/Problem: Powerlessness, wish for rescue, cynical compliance
Task: Process pain and disillusionment fully and be open to receive help from others
Gift: Interdependence, empathy, realism
Orphans are kids who don’t have parents to care for them when they’re too young to manage on their own. Sometimes parents die or leave, but other times they stay and still don’t protect or love the child. Many Orphans live in families that seem fine, but the kids don’t feel safe or cared for.
We all have an Orphan part that wakes up when we feel left out, tricked, or hurt. This happens when teachers aren’t fair, friends tease us, or people we love leave us. It also comes from learning the world isn’t great: ads lie, some police cheat, doctors might skip helping poor people, businesses hurt nature for money, and even in a fair country, some people get more than others.
When we ignore our Orphan part, it’s like we’re leaving it behind too. In our world, it’s not okay to show we’re hurt or weak. Everyone acts like they’re fine, so we hide our sad feelings. That makes the Orphan inside feel even more alone.
The Making of an Orphan
Life has lots of moments that make us feel alone, and some people get more of them. The more we have, the bigger our Orphan part grows.
We feel innocent when things are good and safe, but the Orphan grows when things hurt, especially as kids. Lots of people come from families that look okay but aren’t. Even with good parents, they mess up sometimes, so we all feel a little alone.
We’re lucky if our parents see their own problems and try to fix them.
We all have parents with their own struggles, and families can be great, terrible, or in between. Growing up means seeing that life isn’t fair, and the people in charge aren’t always right.
The Orphan is like a dreamer who gets let down, knowing good people don’t always win and bad ones sometimes do.
From Orphan to Exile to Rebel
When the Orphan part takes over, everything feels hopeless. It’s like we’re left alone, with only weak people who get hurt and strong ones who don’t care. It’s like a baby crying with no one coming to help.
Sometimes Orphans feel like they don’t fit anywhere, like outsiders kicked out of home forever.
These days, lots of people feel like Orphans because they don’t trust big powers like God anymore. They wonder why bother living if nothing matters. But some decide life means helping others who hurt too.
Orphans figure out they can’t wait for someone else to fix things—they have to do it, often with others who feel the same.
The best part of being an Orphan is learning to count on yourself and your friends, not big bosses.
Some say Orphans fight for what’s right and stand with others who are hurt. Others say they care for each other like a team. Either way, they take charge of their lives together.
Resisting Rescue
Orphans might look like they want help, but they don’t trust it because they’ve been let down before. They say they want help but then say why it won’t work.
The Innocent wants a hero to save them, but Orphans think that’s a trick waiting to fail.
As we grow, we lean on friends more than parents, seeing parents aren’t perfect.
In the world, Orphans want to help people treated badly and team up to fix things. They don’t trust leaders.
In faith, they might stop believing in God and focus on what people can do together.
At school, they question what they’re told and start thinking for themselves.
When the Orphan is big in us, we see what’s wrong but feel stuck. Later, we might work with others to change it.
The Orphan makes us see the hard truth so we can team up and make things better.
Self-Orphaning
Orphans sometimes give up on their dreams because they think they’ll never happen. They pick jobs they don’t like or friends who aren’t nice, keeping their hopes small.
The Innocent thinks hard work makes anything possible, but the Orphan says no way. So they don’t try for what they really want.
Orphans might leave bad spots but only look for something a bit better, not the best.
They want to fit in with others and might act fake to join a group, like a gang or club.
Sometimes they go against what they believe to stay safe, which makes them feel worse.
When Orphaning Goes Too Far
When we fight ourselves, it’s too much. Some hide who they are and live fake lives. They look okay but feel empty, chasing stuff to feel better, though it doesn’t help.
Others use their hurt as a reason to not try or to get noticed, keeping them stuck.
Some Orphans feel so bad they can’t do anything right and quit fast, blaming others or themselves.
In bad cases, they might hurt themselves or others because they see no hope.
These folks need help from pros and people who’ve been there.
But they might not take help since they don’t think it’ll work. We wait till they’re ready.
We shouldn’t treat them like strangers—we all have some of that hurt.
Levels of the Orphan
Shadow: Cynicism, callousness, masochism or sadism; using the victim role to manipulate the environment
Call: Abandonment, betrayal and self-betrayal, disillusionment, discrimination, victimization
Level One: Learning to acknowledge the truth of one's plight and feel pain, abandonment, victimization, powerlessness, and loss of faith in people and institutions in authority
Level Two: Accepting the need for help; being willing to be rescued and aided by others
Level Three: Replacing dependence on authorities with interdependence with others who help each other and band together against authority; developing realistic expectations
People who do wrong or hurt themselves might be showing their inner pain. They need rules, love, and examples of people who turned it around.
They might not want help till things get awful.
We shouldn’t push them away—we’ve all got some of that pain.
The Healing Wound
Feeling alone is part of growing up. Even if it hurts a lot, it can lead to good stuff if we learn from it.
We want perfect parents and a perfect life, but we get real people with flaws.
Our hurt can show us what we’re meant to do. Like, a kid who had a tough time might grow up to help others.
In some places, helpers are people who got through their own hard times.
But here, we hide our hurt because we don’t want to be judged, which makes it tough to help each other.
Sharing our hurt in safe spots lets us connect and feel better.
Healing starts when we accept our hurt and see we’re not alone.
Exercises
Think about when the Orphan shows up for you.
- How much or how little is the Orphan expressed in your life? Has it been expressed more in the past or present? Do you see it emerging more in your future? Is it expressed more at work, at home, with friends, in dreams or fantasies?
- Who are some friends, relatives, co-workers, and others who seem influenced by the archetype of the Orphan?
- Is there anything you wish were different about the expression of the Orphan in your life?
- Since each archetype expresses itself in many different ways, take some time to describe or otherwise portray (e.g., draw, make a collage, use a picture of yourself in a particular costume or pose) the Orphan as it is expressed or could be expressed in your life. What does or would it look like? How does or would it act? In what setting does or would it feel most at home?
Daydreams
Sit somewhere quiet and comfy, and breathe slow and deep. Let yourself want someone to take care of you, like a kid does. Think about who you’d want to help you.
Then tell yourself no one’s coming—you have to do it yourself. Feel any sadness or letdown that comes.
You can stop there or picture joining a group of people like you, who promise to help each other. Notice how that feels.
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